I recently found myself in a pretty sticky and very disappointing situation that reminded me of something I think about a lot: the gap between what folks present publicly or claim to stand for and what they actually practice.

Not living in your truth comes at a cost. For you. For the people in your orbit. For the communities you’re involved in. When your values live in your brand and not in your behavior… when you perform rather than practice, that is risky. From a thought leadership perspective, it is an act of deception.

The inverse is equally true, and equally costly: not stepping fully into your own truth (hiding your gifts, waiting for better conditions, softening your perspective until it barely resembles what you actually think) deprives the people who need what you stand for.

I call this the congruence gap. The distance between what you claim and what you practice. Between who you actually are and how you’re currently showing up. It shows up externally, in people and spaces that use the right language and then operate from entirely different logic behind closed doors. And it shows up internally, in the ways we abandon ourselves, shrink our perspectives or experiences, and withhold our gifts to stay comfortable or keep others comfortable, too.

Capitalism reinforces and encourages this gap. Through branding and marketing that promise one thing and deliver another. When there is a claim of being about community and collaboration, while extracting and exploiting in the same breath. When we replicate that logic in values-led spaces, we are not disrupting the system. We are reproducing it.

The trickiest part about the congruence gap is that, for some, there are serious safety risks attached to showing up in one’s truth. It makes sense to me that I am writing this article during Pride Month. This is my 3rd Pride month since coming out as non-binary and identifying as gender-queer. This year feels different in that over the last 12 months, we have continually witnessed more and more attacks on the queer community, from rights being stripped away to targeted attacks of violence, hatred, and erasure… largely stoked by our government. What is unfortunate is that I had to roll into this month by dealing with a pretty shit situation that really tested my ability to stand up for myself, my truth, and my values. I am thankful that I’ve spent the last several years working on building my ability to do so, but it’s not an easy thing to go through, nonetheless.

Here’s what the experience I recently went through taught and clarified for me… I hope these lessons are useful for you if and when you find yourself in a similar situation that tests your ability to stand up for yourself and what you believe is right.

Read more